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Some funny stuff to while away the time...
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Classic sporting quotes
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"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh-Horse Racing Commentator)
"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"(John Arlott)
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized" (Ian McNail)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (GregNorman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francome)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
'We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival' (Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)
'I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better' (Ron Atkinson).
'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.' (Ron Atkinson)
'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.' (Ron Atkinson)
'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' (Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)
'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' (Harry Carpenter - Boat Race 1977)
'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.' (David Vine)
'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.' (David Coleman)
'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.' (David Coleman)
Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'Chris Eubank: 'On what? '
'Sex is an anti-climax after that !' (Grand National winning jockey,Mark Fitzgerald.)'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that' (Desmond Lynam)
'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' (Ruud Gullit)
'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (RonAtkinson)
'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip' (John Motson)
'Strangely, in the slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (David Acfield)
'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?' (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona' (Mark Draper - Aston Villa)
'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class' (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
'And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's' (David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day)
'...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion'(John Arlott)
'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them' (Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?' (USTV commentator)
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Here's some classic 'stupid boss' quotes:
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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type
managers. Here are the finalists.
> 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
> building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
> Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks;
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown
> problems we will > encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)>
> 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information> or data. It
> should be used only for company business.
> (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)>
> 4. This project is so important, we can't let> things that are more
> important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing> manager,
> United Parcel Service)> > 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
> schedule. No one > will believe you solved this problem in one day!
> We've been working on it> for > months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and
> I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
> (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and > Manufacturing/3M Corp.)>
> 6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a> 25-page proposal that
> only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave> her was damage and
> she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was> write-protected. (CIO of
> Dell Computers)> > 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of
> people doing what I > say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)>
> 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was> scheduled for Monday.
> When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I> would have to miss work on
> the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we> could change her burial
> to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."> (Shipping executive,
> FTD Florists)> > 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but
> the company is not > going to Discuss it with the employees."
> (Switching supervisor, AT&T > Long Lines Division)>
> 10. We recently received a memo from senior> management saying: "This
> is to inform you that a memo will be issued today> regarding the subject
> mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs> Division)>
> 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status> report to him
> concerning a project I was working on. I asked him> if tomorrow would be
> soon > enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would
> have waited until tomorrow> to > ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark
> Greeting Cards.)> > 12. As director of communications, I was asked to
> prepare a memo > reviewing our company's training programs and
> materials. In the body of the> > memo one of the sentences I mentioned the
> "pedagogical approach" used by
> one of the training manuals. The day after I routed> the memo to the
> executive committee, I was called into the HR> director's office, and
> told that the executive vice president wanted me out> of the building by
> lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she> wouldn't stand for perverts"
> working in her company. Finally, he showed me her> copyof the memo, with
> her demand that I be fired - and the word> "pedagogical" circled in red.
> The > HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he> looked the word up in
> his dictionary and made a copy of the definition> to send back to her,
> he told me not to worry. He would take care of> it. Two days later, a
> memo to the entire staff came out directing us that> no
> words which could not be found in the local Sunday
> newspaper could be used in company memos. A month> later, I
> resigned. In accordance with company policy, I> created my resignation memo
> by > pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco> Bell Corporation)
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